It’s been almost a week since we got the wind taken completely out of our sails. Thank you for being patient as I know you have been wondering about the PET scan results. What we hoped and prayed for so fervently, did not happen. The tumors were almost exactly the same size. No shrinkage. Not even a little bit.
When I heard the bad news, I went numb and like in a movie where the camera spins around the actor for “effect”, that’s what it seemed like for me. I no longer could process anything the doctor said after that and I didn’t have any intelligent questions to ask… my mind was just blank. For days I have been in a fog, battling feelings of depression. I was so anxious to get home, get back to normalcy, and just forget about stupid cancer for awhile. I appreciate so much all the texts, calls, messages, etc. as well as the space you all provided so generously. I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone for days.
I had hit a new low point and God knows I have had a lot of lows on this journey.
We hopped in the cars last Friday and headed south. We ended our trip early because the air quality in the Bay Area was so bad due to the fires. I just want to say that my grief cannot compare to those dealing with those losing their homes and loved ones in the fires up there. I ask that you say a prayer for all those affected by the fires which are popping up all over Northern California. It makes me so sad as I used to live there and that area is one of the most beautiful places on earth in my opinion. I am thankful that God gives me some perspective and helps me to be grateful that my home is safe and so is my family.
Brandon and the kids spent the last week in Palo Alto with my mom and I, we went to Santa Cruz for a couple of days and just hung out on the beach. This was before the PET scan, so we all were in good spirits and had a great time. Trinity and Kaitlyn even tried out surfing!
My mom and I had a great time together in California, and while the treatment didn’t work for me, I wouldn’t trade the precious time with her for anything. We took walks, did yoga, went out to eat and shop, got professional makeovers at Nordstrom, meditated and watched Netflix in the cottage. My mother is almost 80, and she is such an amazing caretaker, cooking for me, driving me to appointments, doing my laundry, making green juice and so much more. I will miss her dearly, but I know she has things she needs to do now… like recuperating from all the hard work!
My spirits were lifted when my dad showed up on Tuesday bearing all kinds of fruit and greens (and magic seeds) to fight cancer. He came to Tucson to drive back to Plano with my mom. Two days prior he had an older Chinese woman randomly stop by and knock on his door. She had seen the huge persimmon tree in the back yard and asked if she could buy some of the fruit. My dad told her it wasn’t necessary to pay for them. She was quickly welcomed in with her friend to pick several bags full to her heart’s content. She was so grateful and in return had offered fresh vegetables and fruit from her farm about an hour away. She grows all kinds of organic produce in a greenhouse and sells them to local restaurants all year round and works for the department of agriculture as well as being a licensed nutritionist. The next day she brought two big boxes full of produce and my dad told her about my lymphoma. Her eyes lit up and she said she had leaves and seeds that were specifically for fighting cancer! People come to her for special natural remedies. So that morning my dad drove an hour to her house to pick up bitter leaves, moringa seeds, purple yams, white pomegranates and more.
God’s timing? For sure. To be honest I was beginning to wonder where He was.
HOPE… that is what I had momentarily lost, but it has been restored.
I had put all my hope into this one treatment and my expectations were so extremely high, which made my fall that much harder. Those few days were awful, being so down and not being able to see any light. I now have just a glimpse of what depression feels like and my heart hurts for anyone who has it or has someone in their life who battles it because it truly is a battle. Poor Brandon got the brunt of my anger and frustration… thank you babe for putting up with me. He’s been through the emotional boxing ring far too many rounds.
The future is uncertain. That is not just true for me, but for many this year. I have put my faith in doctors and medicine and it has been one disappointment after another. But I know one thing for sure. God is my rock and I choose to “lean in” right now because if anyone is going to heal me, it’s HIM.
My spirits are back up, THANK YOU GOD, there were times that I stopped praying for healing and just prayed for HOPE. Today my parents will arrive back to their home in Texas and it’s just my little family together again. I have been so blessed by all of our support, but to have time with just our fam again is priceless.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and for patiently waiting for my update. I am not finished fighting and I am grateful that the tumors didn’t grow. We will head back to Stanford for a follow up CT scan and possible biopsy November 9. I will keep you posted!! In the mean time, know that I feel physically very good. Kaitlyn is on break this week and we have gone to the gym, hit golf balls, and I am fitting in time to meditate, rest, and eat loads and loads of vegetables. I think I might even turn green. 🙂 I just have to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint.
“But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7
Onward and Upward.